Cheesey Rubbish From Bristol University

Yet another ridiculous formula, this time about the correct width of cheese slice for a cheese sarney.

Since it is specifically about West Country Farmhouse Cheddar one suspects that some slight commercial consideration might have lead to:

W = [1 + 2bd/13 – s + m/2 – c  + (v+p)/7t](100+l)/100


W = thickness of cheese

b = thickness of two slices of bread

d = dough modifier

s = thickness of spread

m = thickness of mayonaise

c = creaminess modifier

v = thickness of sliced tomato

p = thickness of pickle

t = tanginess modifier

l = thickness of lettuce

We are not told how d, c and t are to be measured. Note that d and t must be dimensionless but c needs to be measured in millimetres, since it is subtracted from the thickness of mayonaisse. Furthermore, if your tomato and pickle are completely flavourless and thus have a tanginess factor of zero, an infinitely thick slice of cheese is required.

Bristol University has previous when it comes to selling out to the commercial sector producing pointless research. Len Fisher produced a cheese formula at Bristol University at the request of the British Cheese Council.

If Bristol University are wondering, like other academics, why there is a falling interest in science perhaps they migh consider the effect stories like this have – giving the impression that scientists spend their time dreaming up drivel.




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5 Responses to “Cheesey Rubbish From Bristol University”

  1. wilsontown Says:

    Yes, the dimensions are definitely half-cocked.

    This one in the Telegraph:'s-maths-formula.html

    Is perhaps even dafter, as there is no way of measuring most of the terms. Although they must have come up with some numbers for them, or they couldn’t have found an answer.

  2. Sarah Says:

    I suppose they are things you could ask people to rate on a scale of 1-10, for example. But yes, the whole thing is deeply stupid.

  3. Dr* T Says:


    What are the units of “Positive Childhood memories” divided by Temperature?

  4. dvnutrix Says:

    What are the units of “Positive Childhood memories” divided by Temperature?

    Ice-cream cones. The anti-unit of this is degree and extent of sunburn.

  5. healthy distrust Says:

    Has anyone found the ‘study by senior research fellow Geoff Nute and his team at the university’s Sensory & Consumer Group in the Division of Farm Animal Science’ (Daily Mail) that helped in the creation of this formula? His staff page lists ‘Botanically diverse forage-based rations for cattle: implications for product composition, product quality and consumer health’ ($hopVm7M082ZzesaEcqW6U7hyKa6A0i/personPublications)
    as his latest research publication. No mention of cheese. If he’s happy to lend his name to the promotion of the formula I’d like to see his methods.

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